My vacation last week was awesome, and I felt very inspired by my surroundings, and the break from work was also refreshing, and I even felt like I got some perspective on things at home (like realizing Columbus, Ohio, is far from the middle of nowhere). I also read a lot of good blog posts about research, and I was feeling excited, doing a little dance in my chair, thinking "Research sounds like fun. I want to continue my Outlaw Song novel. I'm going to complete this old-timey epic, whoo!"
And this past week at work I thought about writing. And I read a great post by Davin over at the Literary Lab about revising, which I don't like to do (I mean I don't like revising, not I don't like reading great blog posts), even though that is the meat of writing, and many of the comments put revising in perspective, and I thought, "Hey, that sounds pretty interesting. I am going to revise Outlaw Song. And I will have fun doing it!"
Then last night at home, trying to do freelance work but not able to sit still, I thought, "The time has come! I will open the manuscript and cut out all the crappy bits! I am not afraid!"
I opened the ms. which is over 100,000 words right now, and I read the last few sentences (written near midnight during last NaNoWriMo), and of course they sucked, and then I thought about all in that ms. that probably sucks, and I was immediately deflated. So I thought I'd share that despairing feeling with all of you, ha ha.
Right now I'm reading Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now. (yes, I have problems, and yes, lately I like reading books about them) I started it over a month ago, then procrastinated on reading it, and now I'm back. The first couple chapters talk about procrastination's link to perfectionism, and the fear of failure, and the fear of success. I feel like I belong in almost every scenario of the book. I shake my head at the ridiculous ways the people mentioned in the book think, but I also know I think in those ridiculous ways.
Take writing/revising. As you can see if you've been reading this blog, I do a lot of talking/worrying about writing and revising, but not a lot of actual writing and changing of words. I have these crazy thoughts that everything I write must be perfect, and so I write nothing in fear I'll write something horrible. EVEN WHEN I KNOW ANY WRITING IS FINE, I ALSO THINK IT'S HORRIBLE. I put it off and think, "Well, if I'd really given myself the time, I'd totally be published by now." It's all my own fault, but somehow making not writing my own fault is better than not writing. (?) Yeah, I don't get it either, but it's how I think.
There is also the fear of success, I guess. What if I do finish a novel and I do query it and I do get an agent, and suddenly it's harder and more work and I can't cut it? Or, what if getting an agent or being published doesn't solve my life? What if I don't Completely Change Into a Perfect Person upon publication? Yeah, I know. I have real things to be afraid of.
And THEN! I came to a huge realization. I have been putting off really writing while dragging my feet for so long because somehow it's like who I am. This worry and anxiety I keep. And, if I just brush all that aside and stop obsessing and start writing at a real pace and don't analyze it too much, well... what would I worry about then? And do I even deserve to bring my writing life to that level? I have wasted all these years; maybe I don't deserve to relax about writing and Just Do It. Because if I can change now, by giving my writing a fair go (and not just thinking about it and writing sort-of-updates each Wednesday), then it's like, why didn't I just do that before? Why did I wait so long to chill out? And that is another kind of failure, in my mind, not "having realizations about my writing and getting on with it" at an earlier time in my life. Because you know, if I had quit with all the whining years ago, I'd be published by now! (she says)
Well, if I've lost any of you after that, I'm not surprised. It is tedious to me to keep blabbing on and on about all this (in a public forum, no less) even as I can't stop blabbing on and on about it.
I hope some of you understand where I'm coming from. Writers are supposed to be crazy, right?
I just have to get over myself. These worries and loops-of-excuses in my mind are silly, and they're not helping, and I must STOP. It's just writing, after all. Not like my house will burn down if the words don't come out right. (Right?)
Going back to the Outlaw Song ms. now. Not going to let my thoughts kick my butt.
11 comments:
This was me last year.
I had run through one BIG edit of my novel ms for Into the Fire (it's a werewolf based YA, but I'm not sure that matters in context!) early in the year. This came on the tail of winning NaNoWriMo but not coming out with a completed manuscript. Nope. I ended up with two (count em!) partially completed works, one of which I wrote myself into a corner on and have since stopped worrying about.
Into the Fire stared at me from its printed out pages and mocked me. It heightened all my writerly fears. The beginning sucked. The ending was something I liked but I didn't think it would ever sell in a million years, but I was attached to it and didn't want to change it. The thing had plot holes that I didn't feel like I was capable of fixing. My heroine had done things I didn't think fit her character. I hated some of my secondary characters, but could only possibly cut the ones I loved (even though they had no real purpose being there besides acting like pretty scenery and being witty).
I put the ms aside and didn't write much for the bulk of the year. I even strongly considered not doing NaNo. My muse had fled. My Inner Editor tromped around my brain telling me every idea I had stunk and everything I'd written was crap. I flailed about unhappily.
...Commiseration at its finest! :)
I ended up writing what I think is a kick butt novel in November after all. I just let go and wrote a story I wanted to write without worrying about eventual publication or whether or not the story would be interesting for anyone else. It's hard to do, but with the help of encouraging friends and family it was possible.
Of course I'm worrying about those doubty things now as I edit the newer ms, but I'm not having the same bout of despair like I had with Into the Fire. Maybe this story is just better? Maybe my writing is better? I don't know.
But I do know it's hard to keep the motivation to kick your own behind into gear a lot of the time.
Just know you're not alone. And keep working! :)
First off...BREATHE. LOL!
You're fine and normal(for a writer, anyway) :)
It's part of the psycho-crazy-self-doubt we all experience--or in my case, learn to live with. LOL!
Just ignore yourself and keep writing!
Hee hee, you procrastinated on reading the procrastination book - that is sooo something that I would do.
I totally understand your frustration - rewriting and revising can just seem like such an impossibly HUGE undertaking. Maybe if you just carve it into small bites. Like this week try to work on chapter one. If you don't finish it this week, then next week your goal can be to finish chapter one.
I find when I do things this way I eventually gain some momentum that often gets me ahead of my goals and accomplishing more than I thought was possible.
I understand the whole procrastination thing...and the anxious thing, having belonge to both "clubs" for most of my life. I finally just decided to stop fretting and take action - any action. For me, that has helped. I wish you well this week...you'll get there!
Oh, that made total sense. Some people bail on therapy rather than make changes, because making changes would require them to recognize how many years they kept themselves in a bad situation. So they push the realization out of awareness and go back to being stuck, because in some strange way that's better than mourning those lost years.
Me, I think...why waste any MORE?!
Thank you all for talking me out of my tree!
Violet- I'm glad you shared your story. I know I'm not alone in the self-doubt, but somehow I forget that a lot. I'm glad your newest story is coming along so well! I bet you grew from the experience of your previous novel.
Jennifer- Haha, yeah, I tend to freak out a lot. I usually bounce from week to week. And I seem to have all-or-nothing thoughts: It's all great! It all sucks! I will remember to breathe.
Kate- It's funny because your advice is so normal and great: Try to finish chapter one this week, and if not, finish it the next week. My brain says, "Really? I can do that? I can continue a goal by revising a deadline?" Again, the all-or-nothing mentality trips me up.
Christine- Thanks! I can't believe you used to belong to both clubs. You are always so positive, motivated, and productive. I can only hope (and try) to join those clubs one day!
Carolyn- It is weird. Even though I know continuing to wait is worse than admitting I made a mistake, the lure of admitting no wrong is so strong! I am not this way for every mistake I've made in my life. Some experiences and events I am forgiving and understanding. But the writing thing, I just hold on to.
Which is also silly. I have never stopped writing. It goes back to unrealistic goals of thinking it only counts if I write like 3 hours a day.
I think I'm working it out, though. There's hope.
Join the club. There's a lot of us out there. I think I'll blog about that someday.
Cheer up, push yourself and write. Easy, right? NOT.
Good luck.
Annie, you know I'm always here for you to whine to, right? Although I'm slow with the whole answering emails thing, obviously... You need to get on Google chat, m'dear. I'm great at chatting!
So, yeah. I think most writing and revising actually happens in our heads. If you stop to think about it, we spend very little time actually typing, deleting, at the computer compared to the massive amounts of time we contemplate the actual story and act of writing. So don't be hard on yourself!!! I think we're all like this to a point.
Elizabeth- It does sound easy, doesn't it? Yet it seems more easy to freak out. At least I'm not the only one.
Glam- That is true, there are times when I'm writing in my mind. Or, lately at work, I've been getting ideas for OS and have been writing them down. At least the wheels are turning.
Reason- That is comforting that my procrastination could be a good thing. It is true--even though I get a bit sad when I see crappy sentences, more often than not months have gone by since I last wrote them, so I'm not really attached anymore. It's not the deleting that bothers me, I guess it's just the time it takes to make it right.
And oh my gosh, you're right! There are no perfect books, and the world is still here. Somehow that blows my mind and makes me feel better.
This post could pretty much describe my roller coaster of emotions about writing. Well put!
MeganRebekah- Yes, a rollercoaster it is! One day I'm up, the next down. I just need to chill.
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