*huge, long, drawn-out sigh*
HUUUNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH.............
I've just been catching up on blogs, and I'm feeling all crazy and uncomfortable.
I didn't get much done at all last week. I did join the Rally Storm Throwdown hosted by Elana. I have written approximately 1200 new words on my Draft 4. But I didn't go through and make a list of scenes to slash, nor did I make a list of new scenes to write. I started one of the scenes I was going to put on my list, and I see the ways I can play with it to make it really great, but I also see all the work! Bah! Maybe I have no work ethic.
No, that's not it. If I had no work ethic, I wouldn't have accomplished the things in my life that I've done.
What I have is angst! And a bit of feeling sorry for myself, and maybe upset with myself, for not writing "enough" this week. I try not to be self-deprecating on this blog because who wants to hear that, but *WHINE!* It's been raining for like 4 days. And writing is hard. Writing is really hard for me. It's not something I easily slip into. And I am happy for the people who can bang out tons of prose on most days, and I can see how excited they are about their writing and projects, but part of me is like really, REALLY? Is it that fun for you?
I see this all the time in books on writing, or on agents' blogs, in the comments sections, people saying why they're a writer, how they write, and they make it sound so free and light and inspired. "I write because I have to;" "I write because I love world building and creating characters;" "The words just come to me--I'm like the messenger." Bah. I am an old scrooge writer. Oh sure, I've had "in the zone" moments when the writing is coming fast and true. And I have read over bits and pieces of my stuff and really liked it. But fun? Really? Is this really fun? It makes me think of, you know, figuring out your career, someone telling you to "do what you love." Do I love writing?
I love thinking about writing. And reading about it. Oh, and writing about it. I really do love that.
There is a really good writer friend of mine who has been subjected to rants like these, in email form, many times over the last few years. And she has said to me, "Maybe you don't want to be a writer. That's okay. No one is forcing you. Maybe this isn't something you want to do." She has probably said this because she was sick of my complaining, and I don't blame her. But it made me mad. Because I DO want to write. I really do! I'm obsessed with it. And I've been doing it pretty regularly for years and years, so... it's not like I've just been talking about writing my whole life.
It's just... the expectations! I am a perfectionist, which is not good, but it's true. And it's why I have a hard time finishing things. I have a lot of high expectations.
Lady Glamis wrote an incredibly awesome post about writing what you know and voice and honesty, and I totally got it and it made me feel bad, because like her friend said, there inside her novel is an even more awesome novel if she can take the time and energy and effort and skill and determination (because it really takes all these things) to write it, and she's like, "Yeah, but this lace is heavy." And it freaking is!
All this makes me think of Synecdoche, New York, which is an awesome movie I saw last weekend, by Charlie Kaufman. In it Philip Seymour Hoffman's character gets a MacArthur genius grant (which, even getting that prize is like, whoa), and he decides to use the money to put on the greatest and most honest stage play ever. He wants it to be brutally honest and realistic, and the thing just gets huge and away from him, and like 20 years later, it's still not done. It's too hard for him to capture that brutal realism and honesty, the expectation of it all. So, like, within the movie is this aching masterpiece, and the movie itself is an aching masterpiece, I think, of brutal realism and honesty about the creative process, and life even. It was deeply sad. It was really, really good, but it made me feel hopeful and deflated and yearning and realistic and sad. And that's how I want my stories to make people feel! And that's a lot of pressure I'm putting on myself, I think. Maybe.
And I didn't even understand the whole movie! And yet still, that aching feeling, and angst. And me flying around the room and banging my head against the desk. And this post is getting really long.
So yeah, not much accomplished last week. Writing is hard.
What do you think? Are your projects crawling along, or are you the one I envy who is having a fun time of it?
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6 comments:
Annie, I am the same way about writing. Most of the time, I think of it as work. I love sitting there, daydreaming about my stories. But actually putting them to paper is something I have a hard time doing most of the time. But I am sort of wondering if that is because I'm not writing the right stories...because my first book, I couldn't wait to work on it. I wrote every second I got and loved ever second spent working on it.
Two years later, I have 4 uncompleted books that I just couldn't get into like that. Until now. My current WIP is one that I just can't, and don't want to, get away from. I spend every spare second writing (on actual paper with a real pen!). I don't know if it's the story, if actually writing instead of typing helps, or what. But whatever it is, I'm loving it.
But I think this is also one of the reasons I don't outline. I know what needs to happen. But I don't actually outline or anything like that, or even think about the ending word count goal more than I can help, because I don't want to be reminded of how much work I've got to go. I have been trying very hard to stay focused on the scene at hand, and I write what comes to mind (so my scenes are very very out of order right now) :D
For the most part, I'd have to say that my projects crawl along. I love it when it's done. I love editing and revising. It's so much easier for me to work with finished material :) But at the moment, yeah, I'm loving it, having a blast, can't wait to get back to writing. And I really treasure this feeling, because it's not one I have often, even though I do truly love being a writer :)
Annie, hun, you are singing my song. I started this writing thing a little over a year ago. I foolishly thought, since I was a good writer in my youth (or so I assumed) that this wouldn't be that hard. I finished the story in little time, gave it to some Beta readers - who liked it - made revisions and tried the "find an agent thing".
After a few months I got smarter - - a LOT smarter, and I realized that the story wasn't ready yet. So I pulled it. And wrote something different.
In January, feeling so much wiser (insert snarky tone), I pulled it out to revise and try again. I joined a critique group. And you know what...I did make it better. So I queried it again. This time I got a few requests. And rejections. And more feedback.
I started revising my second novel and kept querying the first one. And in the process I started to find my VOICE as an author...I mean really find it (thank you crit buddies for that).
So I pulled it again, and am revising AGAIN. (rewriting would be the more accurate word).
Writing is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. None of my accomplishments can compare to this process. None.Of.Them.
That being said, for me, it is worth it. Do I have an agent yet? Nope. Are my stories ready yet? Nope. But I am getting closer. That much I am certain of.
So I continue on...because I still have something to say. Because I really am just beginning.
I hope you find the strength you need to push forward and carve out your "better" novel. Remember, there are a lot of us here to support you when you need it. Lord knows we've been there (or are there!).
Well, I think you know how I feel about it. It's hard. It sucks. I do have fun with it, in a few bright shining moments, but overall it is reaching tiny little milestones that make me happy.
You should never be upset that you don't write much during a period of time you've set for yourself. I cannot set goals for writing certain word counts or anything. How can anyone MEASURE creativity in that sense? It boggles my mind! I just let it come when it comes. I buckle down, yes. I make myself pound stuff out, yes. But if I'm not getting anything great, I don't FORCE it. I'll work on something else to try and free up my mind and get the creativity flowing. (Like writing on blog or reading blogs.)
Honesty is what we strive for, but at the same time I don't think we should try and force it. Now... if you ask me what we should try and do instead of forcing it, I have no idea. I'm still trying to figure it out. When I do, I'll write a post about it. ;D
Thanks for the link back to me. You are amazing to write this post. It's honest and sweet. Thank you!
Honestly, if every moment you write is wonderful and full of joy... then you're probably not doing it right. Yes, there are good moments, but you have to slog through a lot of bad ones to get to them.
I just finished reading Bird by Bird and it really helped confirm all of this, and all of what you are saying. It is totally normal. All I can say is, try not to stay down for too long, and try to keep working through it!
Annie, I so feel your pain, girlfriend. I really, really like thinking about what's going to happen in my story. I like getting to know the people inside my head. Sometimes I even like sitting down and writing something for them to do or experience.
But most of the time, I'm sitting here thinking, "I know what needs to happen, I just don't know how to write it." And that's the suck-city part. It's work. I have to find the right words in the right order. I have to delicately balance narration, dialog, emotion, internal thought and action. I have to stop using the word "and" so many times. I can't slip into passive voice. I can't repeat what someone else has written...I could go on and on about what I can't do.
So what I do: When I'm writing a first draft, I ignore all the "can't's." I just write. And that makes me happier.
And it also makes editing and revising a little harder. But bearable.
Hang in there! And I'm a master venter, so if you need to send me an email, I'm game. ;-)
Thank you all for talking me out of my tree.
Michelle- I'm glad to hear your current project is going so well and that you've found the fire you felt with your first novel. That is a good tip about writing by hand. I do that sometimes too and notice a difference. And I don't outline either, but usually because I don't know where the story is going at all, ha ha.
Christine- It sounds like you have started and continued writing with great determination and that you are learning quickly. That's great! Can you bottle some of that and send it to me?
That's great you are finding your voice. I'm not sure I've found mine yet.
Sometimes I get discouraged b/c I haven't just started writing; I've been working on it for years. But at the same time, I've never queried, or even revised much, so maybe I've just been starting for years. I guess there is a lot of fear there. But, if you can jump into it, so can I! I just have to keep going.
LG- Well, it was your great post that prompted my post.
I think the reason I do word count goals and such is because measuring my creativity allows me to look back and say, "Yeah, I did that. See my work?" But I also think that measuring my creativity hinders me, sometimes, because then if I don't meet a goal, I sometimes beat myself up with that. Which is a bigger problem than just writing. But, I like that you don't measure your creativity like that, and maybe I will go easier on myself. I haven't done any throwdown writing in the past few days, and I'm not mad at myself about it anymore. I think I may get a notebook so I can't focus on wordcount.
Kate- That's true, if it was all rainbows and sunshine, my stories would probably be flat. And I also know from experience I have to write a lot of bad to find the good.
Bird by Bird is probably my favorite writing book, but I haven't read it in about 10 years. Time to get it back out again!
Elana- I may take you up on the venting via email offer. Watch out!
It's nice to know I'm not alone. I mean, I knew I wasn't alone, but it's good to hear it again. And you're right, with a first draft, you just have to ignore the critical voice. I think sometimes (a lot of times) I get ahead of myself and hung up on where others are in the process, with querying and finished projects, esp. reading stuff on agents' blogs, and I lose sight that I'm still working at the beginning of a project, and my pace is fine, and I don't need to worry about anyone else.
Well, thank you all again for responding. I feel a lot better. And the sun came out! I will remind myself again to not be so hard on myself, and I will keep writing, since that's the only way anything gets written, and gets better. :)
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